Breaking the Silence - Socks

OK, the onset of spring has made me come out of seclusion. Unfortunately, it's also made the stupid shorts and flops come out of hiding, even when IT IS STILL ONLY 40 DEGREES OUTSIDE.

Ugh. I hate people.  But not people like alert reader, Jack. He sent me this picture from a play he saw, featuring the douchiest of douchey baristas.

God, it's like a who's who of my previous complaints. Floppy knit cap - check. Inappropriate cutoffs - check. Extraneous wrist adornment - check.  Also, as I mentioned, IT IS 40 DEGREES OUTSIDE. This is not the time for shorts. And it is not the time to go without socks.

Yes, I'm going to focus on the lack of proper ankle coverage, because the rest just makes me too angry to look at. When it's summer, fine. Don't wear socks. Or wear those short athletic socks. If it's shorts weather, then it can be sockless weather, as long as the rest of the footwear is appropriate (see Flop Week: Parts 1, 2 and 3).

But it is still cold out. Your short socks are driving me crazy. Your ankles need to be covered. Yes, this means that you will have to own more than one type of sock. But you can do it. Socks are not that expensive.

You can wait a few more weeks until it's warm enough to make different choices. But I might not be able to wait to kick you in the shins if I run into you on the street. Just a warning.

Skinny Cut-Offs

See, I don't think it's even necessary to bother featuring skinny jeans here.  Clearly they're the worst thing to happen to fashion since...well, since the 80's.  Instead, I bring to you an incomprehensible offshoot: the skinny cut-off short.

I may be two bottles of wine into a Friday night (shut up), but even sober, I can tell you these things are a plague upon an otherwise pleasant summer environment.  As alert reader Jenny says, "it's an assault on the eyes."

Jenny is right.  Here's the problem.  There are two types of men who wear these atrocities: skinny men and non-skinny men. (Some might argue that the previous statement implies that all men wear skinny cut-off shorts.  I would purse my lips at that argument.)  Both have separate (but equally real) negative qualities.  The skinny men are just accentuating the fact that they are extra skinny.  Fine.  We get it.  You're skinny.  Either you have a metabolism made of fire or have never experienced the joy of a Hostess snack cake and for that, I just feel pity. Still, my anger flares up when I think about your incessant need to flaunt your thinness.  Jerk.  On the other hand, the non-skinny folk are just making a poor choice by accentuating the fact that they are, you know, not skinny.  As a member of the latter group, I sympathize with your pain - but come on.

Yeah, that argument was a bit thin.  But this wine is light and effervescent, so I'm going to go with it.

Here's the big issue, as evidenced by Exhibit A:

This dude (who is apparently a minor celebrity and dating Whitney Port...who is also apparently a minor celebrity) would fall in the skinny camp.  And yet...do you see how the shorts make his legs look like the letter Y?  No, really.  Look again.  Although most people have hips wider than their knees, the skinny short makes this even more obvious.  See?

(SIDEBAR: Don't think I'm not going to pull Ben's picture back into the light with some additional angst at a later date.)

Although I'm reticent to encourage the writer of fellow blogspot blogger Big Fat Fashion, he's made a wise choice, as evidenced by Exhibit B:

It's true, BFF supports the skinny jean (ugh) in his later posts, but in creating his cutoff look, he has opted for a baggier variety which actually creates a vertical line, perpendicular to the ground.  And whether you are skinny or not (especially when you're not), a vertical line is a good thing.

Look at that.  I've brought geometry into fashion.  Mrs. Harris, I hope you're happy.