Flop Week: Inappropriate Office Attire

OK Team, it's been a productive week - one can't deny the inadequacy of floppage when it comes to safety.  But let's get to a deeper issue.  If one insists on making their prescence known to everyone within earshot by flopping around like a fool, one could at least be armed with the knowledge of when and where it might be considered appropriate to do so.  I have long held on to the notion that flops can be worn in three places:

1. the beach
2. the pool
3. the locker room at the gym

You know where they should not be worn?  Everywhere else.  Especially at movie premieres.

Come on, Zac, that's just asinine.

Apparently the CEO of hulu.com has also decided he can wear flops anywhere - including the office. I've been trying to read the article but the New York Times is seemingly so angry about the concept themselves, the page refuses to load. I think this is a good sign.  The fewer people jumping on the bandwagon, the better.

A co-worker has similarly adopted Matthew McConaughey's beachcomber philosophy and has taken to wearing flops to work.  To this, I say no.  In response, I have begun referring to him as "Floppy" in any and all settings, whether he is wearing them or not.  Example:

"Gentlemen, we'd like to get you up to speed on the plans for next quarter's new campaign.  Floppy will go over the action items in this powerpoint.  Let's begin."

If that doesn't say good business practice, I don't know what does.

Flop Week: Barely a Hint of a Shoe

Sometimes I'll convince my unsuspecting friends that their clothes are really cool.  I then use their oblivious hubris (a fatal flaw) against them as I ask to take their picture.

Stupid.

Let's examine the unfortunate case of Kate.*  Kate walked into the room wearing these flops on a pleasant day - not too hot, not too cold, partly cloudy, chance of showers.  One might point out the lovely pedicure she received just a few days before.  Sure.  But look at that thing trying to masquerade as a sole.  Now let's compare with a few other things that are slightly more substantial:

Kate, why would you want to walk around on a slice of prosciutto?  Why?  Prosciutto is meant for wrapping around a stalk of asparagus or other food.  It is not meant to protect you from the elements.

Isn't that why we first started wearing shoes?  So we wouldn't have to walk around barefoot on the prairie?    Wear these flops on the prairie (or similar location, like Lincoln Park) and there is nothing to protect you from a rattlesnake attack.  No rattlesnakes in your neighborhood?  Fine.  Let's say Kate was in a good mood as she left the building.  (Oh poor unknowing Kate.)  Maybe she's whistling.  Maybe she skips a little. 

And then maybe she comes back to the pavement a little sideways.  Her flop folds like an unquilted kleenex, her toe scrapes the concrete, her pedicure gets chipped, her ankle twists and she goes down.  She lands on her elbow.  It starts to bleed.  It drips on her new white blouse.  Ugh, it's the first time she's worn it - how is she going to get that blood out?  Why was she whistling?  Why was she skipping?  How can one skip when EVERYTHING IS FALLING APART?

I say this only somewhat hypothetically, as I saw the whole thing from afar.  And after she stood up and started to limp to her car, I began to skip. 

Safely.

*name has been changed, you know, out of decency or something

Flop Week: An Insubstantial Shoe

I've had to make my peace with the fact that flip flops are not going away. It hasn't been an easy journey, but I think I'm stronger for it. And while I won't deny the people their flops, I will still criticize when they make poor choices.

I have long attested that flops are not meant for walking in the city. This was proven day after day when I worked at the LARGE HOTEL CHAIN and had to witness the unwashed masses coming in after a day at Navy Pier or some such nonsense. As they strolled up to my desk to look for an affordable (read: Outback) steakhouse, I couldn't help but notice their blackened feet.

That's right children - when you're walking on the streets of a major city, wearing flops is no better than going barefoot.  Scientists even spent some time studying the effects of city streets on flops (you know, when they're not busy curing diseases and stuff).  When four people walked around New York City in a pair of Old Navy flops (don't get me started) here's what happened, according to the New York Daily News:

"The $3.50 flip-flops harbored approximately 18,100 bacteria of the five most prevalent varieties found. Aerococcus viridans and Rothia mucilaginosa, bacteria that normally reside in the mouth, were present. Not to mention the worst offender, Staph aureus. Worst-case scenario: It enters your bloodstream, goes untreated and you die. But even mere contact with the skin can yield nasty results...typically boils and skin infections."

I would point out to you that, based purely on sight, these feet from a photo taken in India look considerably cleaner than your disease-ridden city feet.

Gross.  And people wonder why I've declared my car a "flop-free zone."

Skinny Cut-Offs

See, I don't think it's even necessary to bother featuring skinny jeans here.  Clearly they're the worst thing to happen to fashion since...well, since the 80's.  Instead, I bring to you an incomprehensible offshoot: the skinny cut-off short.

I may be two bottles of wine into a Friday night (shut up), but even sober, I can tell you these things are a plague upon an otherwise pleasant summer environment.  As alert reader Jenny says, "it's an assault on the eyes."

Jenny is right.  Here's the problem.  There are two types of men who wear these atrocities: skinny men and non-skinny men. (Some might argue that the previous statement implies that all men wear skinny cut-off shorts.  I would purse my lips at that argument.)  Both have separate (but equally real) negative qualities.  The skinny men are just accentuating the fact that they are extra skinny.  Fine.  We get it.  You're skinny.  Either you have a metabolism made of fire or have never experienced the joy of a Hostess snack cake and for that, I just feel pity. Still, my anger flares up when I think about your incessant need to flaunt your thinness.  Jerk.  On the other hand, the non-skinny folk are just making a poor choice by accentuating the fact that they are, you know, not skinny.  As a member of the latter group, I sympathize with your pain - but come on.

Yeah, that argument was a bit thin.  But this wine is light and effervescent, so I'm going to go with it.

Here's the big issue, as evidenced by Exhibit A:

This dude (who is apparently a minor celebrity and dating Whitney Port...who is also apparently a minor celebrity) would fall in the skinny camp.  And yet...do you see how the shorts make his legs look like the letter Y?  No, really.  Look again.  Although most people have hips wider than their knees, the skinny short makes this even more obvious.  See?

(SIDEBAR: Don't think I'm not going to pull Ben's picture back into the light with some additional angst at a later date.)

Although I'm reticent to encourage the writer of fellow blogspot blogger Big Fat Fashion, he's made a wise choice, as evidenced by Exhibit B:

It's true, BFF supports the skinny jean (ugh) in his later posts, but in creating his cutoff look, he has opted for a baggier variety which actually creates a vertical line, perpendicular to the ground.  And whether you are skinny or not (especially when you're not), a vertical line is a good thing.

Look at that.  I've brought geometry into fashion.  Mrs. Harris, I hope you're happy.