Breaking the Silence - Socks

OK, the onset of spring has made me come out of seclusion. Unfortunately, it's also made the stupid shorts and flops come out of hiding, even when IT IS STILL ONLY 40 DEGREES OUTSIDE.

Ugh. I hate people.  But not people like alert reader, Jack. He sent me this picture from a play he saw, featuring the douchiest of douchey baristas.

God, it's like a who's who of my previous complaints. Floppy knit cap - check. Inappropriate cutoffs - check. Extraneous wrist adornment - check.  Also, as I mentioned, IT IS 40 DEGREES OUTSIDE. This is not the time for shorts. And it is not the time to go without socks.

Yes, I'm going to focus on the lack of proper ankle coverage, because the rest just makes me too angry to look at. When it's summer, fine. Don't wear socks. Or wear those short athletic socks. If it's shorts weather, then it can be sockless weather, as long as the rest of the footwear is appropriate (see Flop Week: Parts 1, 2 and 3).

But it is still cold out. Your short socks are driving me crazy. Your ankles need to be covered. Yes, this means that you will have to own more than one type of sock. But you can do it. Socks are not that expensive.

You can wait a few more weeks until it's warm enough to make different choices. But I might not be able to wait to kick you in the shins if I run into you on the street. Just a warning.

General Anger in the Direction of Hollywood

The more I've thought about this floppy hat nonsense, brought to you by our friend Aristotle, the angrier I've gotten.  While I blame the hipsters ("unwashed masses," if you will) for many obnoxious trends, I think the fault really lies with Johnny Depp.

Here's a newflash, kids.  Only Johnny Depp can be Johnny Depp.  No amount of douchescarves, dangly necklaces, wrist adornment or headgear idiocy can give you the same brand of smarmy, European, artiste-cool vibe that Depp has flaunted in my US Weekly ever since Edward Scissorhands.  I'm not saying it's right, I'm just stating a fact.  Richard Grieco had to come to terms with it, and so can you.

I wish I could say it were just Johnny, but the children aren't doing any better.  Case in point, past FA contributor, Zac Efron.

Dammit Zac, why do you have to let people think this is OK?  And why did I find this on a site which says "The trick to wearing a floppy, knitted skullcap? Pair it with something this basic and uncomplicated. If you’re somewhere up north or in the mountains, we guarantee you’ll never want to take it off."

No.  No no no no no.  No.  NO.  This is NOT cool.

Floppy Knit Caps

One of the most frustrating things about this blog is the number of cringe-inducing photos I find on "fashion" sites, trying to tell the people to wear stupid things.  Like floppy hats.  Take this gem:

"It's cold outside so lets [sic] be smart. You need a hat thats [sic] very warm and looks great. I reccommend [sic] the knit rasta hat(sagging [sic] beanie, hang back) or the typical fold knit hat. They are very warm and very stylish, and you can find them in almost any design you want. I myself prefer the hang back because it covers my ears, also i [sic] believe it to be one of the most amazing things that can go on a head."

This dude goes by the name "Aristotle." You'll note that I had to use the [sic] marking five times in one short quote.  I'm fairly certain the real Aristotle would roll over in his grave if he knew that some kid was making a mockery of language in this manner.  Further, I find it hard to believe the real Aristotle would stand for someone in one of these hats, let alone say that it "is one of the most amazing things that can go on a head."

Let's review.  He actually said that these floppy hats are "one of the most amazing things to can go on a head."  Just let that digest for a moment, while imagining the author in his natural habitat: Starbucks.

Although I could give the aforementioned author credit for not suggesting that his readership try any sort of rasta hat in the summer, he ruins it with the following wisdom: "So this winter forget about being a redneck with your fur lined trapper, get a knit hat and look sleek, cool, and a little bit hipster(don't worry, there's nothing wrong with that)."

Ugh.