Flop Week: Inappropriate Office Attire

OK Team, it's been a productive week - one can't deny the inadequacy of floppage when it comes to safety.  But let's get to a deeper issue.  If one insists on making their prescence known to everyone within earshot by flopping around like a fool, one could at least be armed with the knowledge of when and where it might be considered appropriate to do so.  I have long held on to the notion that flops can be worn in three places:

1. the beach
2. the pool
3. the locker room at the gym

You know where they should not be worn?  Everywhere else.  Especially at movie premieres.

Come on, Zac, that's just asinine.

Apparently the CEO of hulu.com has also decided he can wear flops anywhere - including the office. I've been trying to read the article but the New York Times is seemingly so angry about the concept themselves, the page refuses to load. I think this is a good sign.  The fewer people jumping on the bandwagon, the better.

A co-worker has similarly adopted Matthew McConaughey's beachcomber philosophy and has taken to wearing flops to work.  To this, I say no.  In response, I have begun referring to him as "Floppy" in any and all settings, whether he is wearing them or not.  Example:

"Gentlemen, we'd like to get you up to speed on the plans for next quarter's new campaign.  Floppy will go over the action items in this powerpoint.  Let's begin."

If that doesn't say good business practice, I don't know what does.

Flop Week: Barely a Hint of a Shoe

Sometimes I'll convince my unsuspecting friends that their clothes are really cool.  I then use their oblivious hubris (a fatal flaw) against them as I ask to take their picture.

Stupid.

Let's examine the unfortunate case of Kate.*  Kate walked into the room wearing these flops on a pleasant day - not too hot, not too cold, partly cloudy, chance of showers.  One might point out the lovely pedicure she received just a few days before.  Sure.  But look at that thing trying to masquerade as a sole.  Now let's compare with a few other things that are slightly more substantial:

Kate, why would you want to walk around on a slice of prosciutto?  Why?  Prosciutto is meant for wrapping around a stalk of asparagus or other food.  It is not meant to protect you from the elements.

Isn't that why we first started wearing shoes?  So we wouldn't have to walk around barefoot on the prairie?    Wear these flops on the prairie (or similar location, like Lincoln Park) and there is nothing to protect you from a rattlesnake attack.  No rattlesnakes in your neighborhood?  Fine.  Let's say Kate was in a good mood as she left the building.  (Oh poor unknowing Kate.)  Maybe she's whistling.  Maybe she skips a little. 

And then maybe she comes back to the pavement a little sideways.  Her flop folds like an unquilted kleenex, her toe scrapes the concrete, her pedicure gets chipped, her ankle twists and she goes down.  She lands on her elbow.  It starts to bleed.  It drips on her new white blouse.  Ugh, it's the first time she's worn it - how is she going to get that blood out?  Why was she whistling?  Why was she skipping?  How can one skip when EVERYTHING IS FALLING APART?

I say this only somewhat hypothetically, as I saw the whole thing from afar.  And after she stood up and started to limp to her car, I began to skip. 

Safely.

*name has been changed, you know, out of decency or something

Flop Week: An Insubstantial Shoe

I've had to make my peace with the fact that flip flops are not going away. It hasn't been an easy journey, but I think I'm stronger for it. And while I won't deny the people their flops, I will still criticize when they make poor choices.

I have long attested that flops are not meant for walking in the city. This was proven day after day when I worked at the LARGE HOTEL CHAIN and had to witness the unwashed masses coming in after a day at Navy Pier or some such nonsense. As they strolled up to my desk to look for an affordable (read: Outback) steakhouse, I couldn't help but notice their blackened feet.

That's right children - when you're walking on the streets of a major city, wearing flops is no better than going barefoot.  Scientists even spent some time studying the effects of city streets on flops (you know, when they're not busy curing diseases and stuff).  When four people walked around New York City in a pair of Old Navy flops (don't get me started) here's what happened, according to the New York Daily News:

"The $3.50 flip-flops harbored approximately 18,100 bacteria of the five most prevalent varieties found. Aerococcus viridans and Rothia mucilaginosa, bacteria that normally reside in the mouth, were present. Not to mention the worst offender, Staph aureus. Worst-case scenario: It enters your bloodstream, goes untreated and you die. But even mere contact with the skin can yield nasty results...typically boils and skin infections."

I would point out to you that, based purely on sight, these feet from a photo taken in India look considerably cleaner than your disease-ridden city feet.

Gross.  And people wonder why I've declared my car a "flop-free zone."

Five Fingered Running Shoes: Part Two

Seriously, these piss me off more than anything I've ever seen.

I was innocently standing in line at the Barnes and Noble, when I looked at the register in front of me to find the gentleman paying for his new James Patterson novel while wearing a sweater, khaki pants and some sort of futuristic reptile Mary Jane thing.  Imagine my surprise when, upon closer glance, I discovered that I could see each individual toe, outlined in this sorry excuse for a shoe.

I was stunned.  To think that someone would actually put these on outside of a Halloween party or some sort of performance art piece depicting the plight of the North American Tree Frog makes me visibly cringe.

Apparently these monstrosities are the fault of some company that wanted to replicate the "feeling" of being barefoot.  And then some douchebag runner started talking about how great it is to run barefoot.  They've even got Time Magazine fooled - they were named as one of the best inventions of 2007.  You know what?  Running sucks with shoes on.  Pretending to run barefoot is not going to make it better. 

You want to protect your feet?  Stay away from me while wearing these shoes. Because I will totally stomp on them.

Cuffed Thong Sandals

I just did a google search for "stupid sandals with cloth around the ankle."  For some reason, knowing that they are actually called "cuffed thong sandal" makes me hate them even more.

Really, why would you wear these?  The excuse I always get for sandals in general is "My feet need to breathe."  While I won't get into the fact that that's the dumbest excuse for poor fashion I've ever heard, I would assert to you that this sandal actually achieves the exact opposite.  Why don't you just surround your ankle with some nice heavy suede.

Sounds good to me.

Five Fingered Running Shoes

I don't even know what to say to this.  I need some time, otherwise I will throw my computer at someone.