General Anger in the Direction of Hollywood

The more I've thought about this floppy hat nonsense, brought to you by our friend Aristotle, the angrier I've gotten.  While I blame the hipsters ("unwashed masses," if you will) for many obnoxious trends, I think the fault really lies with Johnny Depp.

Here's a newflash, kids.  Only Johnny Depp can be Johnny Depp.  No amount of douchescarves, dangly necklaces, wrist adornment or headgear idiocy can give you the same brand of smarmy, European, artiste-cool vibe that Depp has flaunted in my US Weekly ever since Edward Scissorhands.  I'm not saying it's right, I'm just stating a fact.  Richard Grieco had to come to terms with it, and so can you.

I wish I could say it were just Johnny, but the children aren't doing any better.  Case in point, past FA contributor, Zac Efron.

Dammit Zac, why do you have to let people think this is OK?  And why did I find this on a site which says "The trick to wearing a floppy, knitted skullcap? Pair it with something this basic and uncomplicated. If you’re somewhere up north or in the mountains, we guarantee you’ll never want to take it off."

No.  No no no no no.  No.  NO.  This is NOT cool.

Floppy Knit Caps

One of the most frustrating things about this blog is the number of cringe-inducing photos I find on "fashion" sites, trying to tell the people to wear stupid things.  Like floppy hats.  Take this gem:

"It's cold outside so lets [sic] be smart. You need a hat thats [sic] very warm and looks great. I reccommend [sic] the knit rasta hat(sagging [sic] beanie, hang back) or the typical fold knit hat. They are very warm and very stylish, and you can find them in almost any design you want. I myself prefer the hang back because it covers my ears, also i [sic] believe it to be one of the most amazing things that can go on a head."

This dude goes by the name "Aristotle." You'll note that I had to use the [sic] marking five times in one short quote.  I'm fairly certain the real Aristotle would roll over in his grave if he knew that some kid was making a mockery of language in this manner.  Further, I find it hard to believe the real Aristotle would stand for someone in one of these hats, let alone say that it "is one of the most amazing things that can go on a head."

Let's review.  He actually said that these floppy hats are "one of the most amazing things to can go on a head."  Just let that digest for a moment, while imagining the author in his natural habitat: Starbucks.

Although I could give the aforementioned author credit for not suggesting that his readership try any sort of rasta hat in the summer, he ruins it with the following wisdom: "So this winter forget about being a redneck with your fur lined trapper, get a knit hat and look sleek, cool, and a little bit hipster(don't worry, there's nothing wrong with that)."

Ugh.

Flop Week: Inappropriate Office Attire

OK Team, it's been a productive week - one can't deny the inadequacy of floppage when it comes to safety.  But let's get to a deeper issue.  If one insists on making their prescence known to everyone within earshot by flopping around like a fool, one could at least be armed with the knowledge of when and where it might be considered appropriate to do so.  I have long held on to the notion that flops can be worn in three places:

1. the beach
2. the pool
3. the locker room at the gym

You know where they should not be worn?  Everywhere else.  Especially at movie premieres.

Come on, Zac, that's just asinine.

Apparently the CEO of hulu.com has also decided he can wear flops anywhere - including the office. I've been trying to read the article but the New York Times is seemingly so angry about the concept themselves, the page refuses to load. I think this is a good sign.  The fewer people jumping on the bandwagon, the better.

A co-worker has similarly adopted Matthew McConaughey's beachcomber philosophy and has taken to wearing flops to work.  To this, I say no.  In response, I have begun referring to him as "Floppy" in any and all settings, whether he is wearing them or not.  Example:

"Gentlemen, we'd like to get you up to speed on the plans for next quarter's new campaign.  Floppy will go over the action items in this powerpoint.  Let's begin."

If that doesn't say good business practice, I don't know what does.

Flop Week: Barely a Hint of a Shoe

Sometimes I'll convince my unsuspecting friends that their clothes are really cool.  I then use their oblivious hubris (a fatal flaw) against them as I ask to take their picture.

Stupid.

Let's examine the unfortunate case of Kate.*  Kate walked into the room wearing these flops on a pleasant day - not too hot, not too cold, partly cloudy, chance of showers.  One might point out the lovely pedicure she received just a few days before.  Sure.  But look at that thing trying to masquerade as a sole.  Now let's compare with a few other things that are slightly more substantial:

Kate, why would you want to walk around on a slice of prosciutto?  Why?  Prosciutto is meant for wrapping around a stalk of asparagus or other food.  It is not meant to protect you from the elements.

Isn't that why we first started wearing shoes?  So we wouldn't have to walk around barefoot on the prairie?    Wear these flops on the prairie (or similar location, like Lincoln Park) and there is nothing to protect you from a rattlesnake attack.  No rattlesnakes in your neighborhood?  Fine.  Let's say Kate was in a good mood as she left the building.  (Oh poor unknowing Kate.)  Maybe she's whistling.  Maybe she skips a little. 

And then maybe she comes back to the pavement a little sideways.  Her flop folds like an unquilted kleenex, her toe scrapes the concrete, her pedicure gets chipped, her ankle twists and she goes down.  She lands on her elbow.  It starts to bleed.  It drips on her new white blouse.  Ugh, it's the first time she's worn it - how is she going to get that blood out?  Why was she whistling?  Why was she skipping?  How can one skip when EVERYTHING IS FALLING APART?

I say this only somewhat hypothetically, as I saw the whole thing from afar.  And after she stood up and started to limp to her car, I began to skip. 

Safely.

*name has been changed, you know, out of decency or something

Flop Week: An Insubstantial Shoe

I've had to make my peace with the fact that flip flops are not going away. It hasn't been an easy journey, but I think I'm stronger for it. And while I won't deny the people their flops, I will still criticize when they make poor choices.

I have long attested that flops are not meant for walking in the city. This was proven day after day when I worked at the LARGE HOTEL CHAIN and had to witness the unwashed masses coming in after a day at Navy Pier or some such nonsense. As they strolled up to my desk to look for an affordable (read: Outback) steakhouse, I couldn't help but notice their blackened feet.

That's right children - when you're walking on the streets of a major city, wearing flops is no better than going barefoot.  Scientists even spent some time studying the effects of city streets on flops (you know, when they're not busy curing diseases and stuff).  When four people walked around New York City in a pair of Old Navy flops (don't get me started) here's what happened, according to the New York Daily News:

"The $3.50 flip-flops harbored approximately 18,100 bacteria of the five most prevalent varieties found. Aerococcus viridans and Rothia mucilaginosa, bacteria that normally reside in the mouth, were present. Not to mention the worst offender, Staph aureus. Worst-case scenario: It enters your bloodstream, goes untreated and you die. But even mere contact with the skin can yield nasty results...typically boils and skin infections."

I would point out to you that, based purely on sight, these feet from a photo taken in India look considerably cleaner than your disease-ridden city feet.

Gross.  And people wonder why I've declared my car a "flop-free zone."

Skinny Cut-Offs

See, I don't think it's even necessary to bother featuring skinny jeans here.  Clearly they're the worst thing to happen to fashion since...well, since the 80's.  Instead, I bring to you an incomprehensible offshoot: the skinny cut-off short.

I may be two bottles of wine into a Friday night (shut up), but even sober, I can tell you these things are a plague upon an otherwise pleasant summer environment.  As alert reader Jenny says, "it's an assault on the eyes."

Jenny is right.  Here's the problem.  There are two types of men who wear these atrocities: skinny men and non-skinny men. (Some might argue that the previous statement implies that all men wear skinny cut-off shorts.  I would purse my lips at that argument.)  Both have separate (but equally real) negative qualities.  The skinny men are just accentuating the fact that they are extra skinny.  Fine.  We get it.  You're skinny.  Either you have a metabolism made of fire or have never experienced the joy of a Hostess snack cake and for that, I just feel pity. Still, my anger flares up when I think about your incessant need to flaunt your thinness.  Jerk.  On the other hand, the non-skinny folk are just making a poor choice by accentuating the fact that they are, you know, not skinny.  As a member of the latter group, I sympathize with your pain - but come on.

Yeah, that argument was a bit thin.  But this wine is light and effervescent, so I'm going to go with it.

Here's the big issue, as evidenced by Exhibit A:

This dude (who is apparently a minor celebrity and dating Whitney Port...who is also apparently a minor celebrity) would fall in the skinny camp.  And yet...do you see how the shorts make his legs look like the letter Y?  No, really.  Look again.  Although most people have hips wider than their knees, the skinny short makes this even more obvious.  See?

(SIDEBAR: Don't think I'm not going to pull Ben's picture back into the light with some additional angst at a later date.)

Although I'm reticent to encourage the writer of fellow blogspot blogger Big Fat Fashion, he's made a wise choice, as evidenced by Exhibit B:

It's true, BFF supports the skinny jean (ugh) in his later posts, but in creating his cutoff look, he has opted for a baggier variety which actually creates a vertical line, perpendicular to the ground.  And whether you are skinny or not (especially when you're not), a vertical line is a good thing.

Look at that.  I've brought geometry into fashion.  Mrs. Harris, I hope you're happy.

Upsetting: Things That Should Not Wear Clothing

Just received this from the Daily Sip:

Couture for Cabernet and cocker spaniels.
You know that awkward, cringe-inducing feeling you get when you see someone's dressed his or her dog in a terrible outfit? We sometimes get the same feeling when we see the cozies people put on wine bottles. And the more we looked into it, the more we discovered that the outfits designed for dogs and the cozies for wine bottles are frighteningly similar.

I don't know exactly why, but I am incensed.  This is NOT ok.

Check out the rest of the horrifying looks here.

Five Fingered Running Shoes: Part Two

Seriously, these piss me off more than anything I've ever seen.

I was innocently standing in line at the Barnes and Noble, when I looked at the register in front of me to find the gentleman paying for his new James Patterson novel while wearing a sweater, khaki pants and some sort of futuristic reptile Mary Jane thing.  Imagine my surprise when, upon closer glance, I discovered that I could see each individual toe, outlined in this sorry excuse for a shoe.

I was stunned.  To think that someone would actually put these on outside of a Halloween party or some sort of performance art piece depicting the plight of the North American Tree Frog makes me visibly cringe.

Apparently these monstrosities are the fault of some company that wanted to replicate the "feeling" of being barefoot.  And then some douchebag runner started talking about how great it is to run barefoot.  They've even got Time Magazine fooled - they were named as one of the best inventions of 2007.  You know what?  Running sucks with shoes on.  Pretending to run barefoot is not going to make it better. 

You want to protect your feet?  Stay away from me while wearing these shoes. Because I will totally stomp on them.

Cuffed Thong Sandals

I just did a google search for "stupid sandals with cloth around the ankle."  For some reason, knowing that they are actually called "cuffed thong sandal" makes me hate them even more.

Really, why would you wear these?  The excuse I always get for sandals in general is "My feet need to breathe."  While I won't get into the fact that that's the dumbest excuse for poor fashion I've ever heard, I would assert to you that this sandal actually achieves the exact opposite.  Why don't you just surround your ankle with some nice heavy suede.

Sounds good to me.

Five Fingered Running Shoes

I don't even know what to say to this.  I need some time, otherwise I will throw my computer at someone.

Hipster Headband

I received not one, not two, but three separate messages today from alert readers who spotted this disaster on various forms of public transportation.  I will point out that one could achieve the same look by tying a shoelace or piece of clothesline around one's head.  I will further posit that these items are not meant for fashion, but rather should be used for functional purposes only. 

And if you disagree, then please stay off the bus.

Men's Polo Shirts: Tucked or Untucked?

Yesterday I posted a survey on my facebook, as a test to see if people would have opinions about, you know, fashion and stuff.  Apparently they do.

Figures.  My FB constituency can't seem to agree.  So we'll take it to the people.  Hit the poll on the right sidebar.

It's Time

You know, I've held my tongue for too long. But I have to say something:

Those pants look stupid.