General Anger in the Direction of Hollywood

The more I've thought about this floppy hat nonsense, brought to you by our friend Aristotle, the angrier I've gotten.  While I blame the hipsters ("unwashed masses," if you will) for many obnoxious trends, I think the fault really lies with Johnny Depp.

Here's a newflash, kids.  Only Johnny Depp can be Johnny Depp.  No amount of douchescarves, dangly necklaces, wrist adornment or headgear idiocy can give you the same brand of smarmy, European, artiste-cool vibe that Depp has flaunted in my US Weekly ever since Edward Scissorhands.  I'm not saying it's right, I'm just stating a fact.  Richard Grieco had to come to terms with it, and so can you.

I wish I could say it were just Johnny, but the children aren't doing any better.  Case in point, past FA contributor, Zac Efron.

Dammit Zac, why do you have to let people think this is OK?  And why did I find this on a site which says "The trick to wearing a floppy, knitted skullcap? Pair it with something this basic and uncomplicated. If you’re somewhere up north or in the mountains, we guarantee you’ll never want to take it off."

No.  No no no no no.  No.  NO.  This is NOT cool.

Floppy Knit Caps

One of the most frustrating things about this blog is the number of cringe-inducing photos I find on "fashion" sites, trying to tell the people to wear stupid things.  Like floppy hats.  Take this gem:

"It's cold outside so lets [sic] be smart. You need a hat thats [sic] very warm and looks great. I reccommend [sic] the knit rasta hat(sagging [sic] beanie, hang back) or the typical fold knit hat. They are very warm and very stylish, and you can find them in almost any design you want. I myself prefer the hang back because it covers my ears, also i [sic] believe it to be one of the most amazing things that can go on a head."

This dude goes by the name "Aristotle." You'll note that I had to use the [sic] marking five times in one short quote.  I'm fairly certain the real Aristotle would roll over in his grave if he knew that some kid was making a mockery of language in this manner.  Further, I find it hard to believe the real Aristotle would stand for someone in one of these hats, let alone say that it "is one of the most amazing things that can go on a head."

Let's review.  He actually said that these floppy hats are "one of the most amazing things to can go on a head."  Just let that digest for a moment, while imagining the author in his natural habitat: Starbucks.

Although I could give the aforementioned author credit for not suggesting that his readership try any sort of rasta hat in the summer, he ruins it with the following wisdom: "So this winter forget about being a redneck with your fur lined trapper, get a knit hat and look sleek, cool, and a little bit hipster(don't worry, there's nothing wrong with that)."

Ugh.

Flop Week: Inappropriate Office Attire

OK Team, it's been a productive week - one can't deny the inadequacy of floppage when it comes to safety.  But let's get to a deeper issue.  If one insists on making their prescence known to everyone within earshot by flopping around like a fool, one could at least be armed with the knowledge of when and where it might be considered appropriate to do so.  I have long held on to the notion that flops can be worn in three places:

1. the beach
2. the pool
3. the locker room at the gym

You know where they should not be worn?  Everywhere else.  Especially at movie premieres.

Come on, Zac, that's just asinine.

Apparently the CEO of hulu.com has also decided he can wear flops anywhere - including the office. I've been trying to read the article but the New York Times is seemingly so angry about the concept themselves, the page refuses to load. I think this is a good sign.  The fewer people jumping on the bandwagon, the better.

A co-worker has similarly adopted Matthew McConaughey's beachcomber philosophy and has taken to wearing flops to work.  To this, I say no.  In response, I have begun referring to him as "Floppy" in any and all settings, whether he is wearing them or not.  Example:

"Gentlemen, we'd like to get you up to speed on the plans for next quarter's new campaign.  Floppy will go over the action items in this powerpoint.  Let's begin."

If that doesn't say good business practice, I don't know what does.

Flop Week: Barely a Hint of a Shoe

Sometimes I'll convince my unsuspecting friends that their clothes are really cool.  I then use their oblivious hubris (a fatal flaw) against them as I ask to take their picture.

Stupid.

Let's examine the unfortunate case of Kate.*  Kate walked into the room wearing these flops on a pleasant day - not too hot, not too cold, partly cloudy, chance of showers.  One might point out the lovely pedicure she received just a few days before.  Sure.  But look at that thing trying to masquerade as a sole.  Now let's compare with a few other things that are slightly more substantial:

Kate, why would you want to walk around on a slice of prosciutto?  Why?  Prosciutto is meant for wrapping around a stalk of asparagus or other food.  It is not meant to protect you from the elements.

Isn't that why we first started wearing shoes?  So we wouldn't have to walk around barefoot on the prairie?    Wear these flops on the prairie (or similar location, like Lincoln Park) and there is nothing to protect you from a rattlesnake attack.  No rattlesnakes in your neighborhood?  Fine.  Let's say Kate was in a good mood as she left the building.  (Oh poor unknowing Kate.)  Maybe she's whistling.  Maybe she skips a little. 

And then maybe she comes back to the pavement a little sideways.  Her flop folds like an unquilted kleenex, her toe scrapes the concrete, her pedicure gets chipped, her ankle twists and she goes down.  She lands on her elbow.  It starts to bleed.  It drips on her new white blouse.  Ugh, it's the first time she's worn it - how is she going to get that blood out?  Why was she whistling?  Why was she skipping?  How can one skip when EVERYTHING IS FALLING APART?

I say this only somewhat hypothetically, as I saw the whole thing from afar.  And after she stood up and started to limp to her car, I began to skip. 

Safely.

*name has been changed, you know, out of decency or something