Flop Week: An Insubstantial Shoe

I've had to make my peace with the fact that flip flops are not going away. It hasn't been an easy journey, but I think I'm stronger for it. And while I won't deny the people their flops, I will still criticize when they make poor choices.

I have long attested that flops are not meant for walking in the city. This was proven day after day when I worked at the LARGE HOTEL CHAIN and had to witness the unwashed masses coming in after a day at Navy Pier or some such nonsense. As they strolled up to my desk to look for an affordable (read: Outback) steakhouse, I couldn't help but notice their blackened feet.

That's right children - when you're walking on the streets of a major city, wearing flops is no better than going barefoot.  Scientists even spent some time studying the effects of city streets on flops (you know, when they're not busy curing diseases and stuff).  When four people walked around New York City in a pair of Old Navy flops (don't get me started) here's what happened, according to the New York Daily News:

"The $3.50 flip-flops harbored approximately 18,100 bacteria of the five most prevalent varieties found. Aerococcus viridans and Rothia mucilaginosa, bacteria that normally reside in the mouth, were present. Not to mention the worst offender, Staph aureus. Worst-case scenario: It enters your bloodstream, goes untreated and you die. But even mere contact with the skin can yield nasty results...typically boils and skin infections."

I would point out to you that, based purely on sight, these feet from a photo taken in India look considerably cleaner than your disease-ridden city feet.

Gross.  And people wonder why I've declared my car a "flop-free zone."

Skinny Cut-Offs

See, I don't think it's even necessary to bother featuring skinny jeans here.  Clearly they're the worst thing to happen to fashion since...well, since the 80's.  Instead, I bring to you an incomprehensible offshoot: the skinny cut-off short.

I may be two bottles of wine into a Friday night (shut up), but even sober, I can tell you these things are a plague upon an otherwise pleasant summer environment.  As alert reader Jenny says, "it's an assault on the eyes."

Jenny is right.  Here's the problem.  There are two types of men who wear these atrocities: skinny men and non-skinny men. (Some might argue that the previous statement implies that all men wear skinny cut-off shorts.  I would purse my lips at that argument.)  Both have separate (but equally real) negative qualities.  The skinny men are just accentuating the fact that they are extra skinny.  Fine.  We get it.  You're skinny.  Either you have a metabolism made of fire or have never experienced the joy of a Hostess snack cake and for that, I just feel pity. Still, my anger flares up when I think about your incessant need to flaunt your thinness.  Jerk.  On the other hand, the non-skinny folk are just making a poor choice by accentuating the fact that they are, you know, not skinny.  As a member of the latter group, I sympathize with your pain - but come on.

Yeah, that argument was a bit thin.  But this wine is light and effervescent, so I'm going to go with it.

Here's the big issue, as evidenced by Exhibit A:

This dude (who is apparently a minor celebrity and dating Whitney Port...who is also apparently a minor celebrity) would fall in the skinny camp.  And yet...do you see how the shorts make his legs look like the letter Y?  No, really.  Look again.  Although most people have hips wider than their knees, the skinny short makes this even more obvious.  See?

(SIDEBAR: Don't think I'm not going to pull Ben's picture back into the light with some additional angst at a later date.)

Although I'm reticent to encourage the writer of fellow blogspot blogger Big Fat Fashion, he's made a wise choice, as evidenced by Exhibit B:

It's true, BFF supports the skinny jean (ugh) in his later posts, but in creating his cutoff look, he has opted for a baggier variety which actually creates a vertical line, perpendicular to the ground.  And whether you are skinny or not (especially when you're not), a vertical line is a good thing.

Look at that.  I've brought geometry into fashion.  Mrs. Harris, I hope you're happy.

Upsetting: Things That Should Not Wear Clothing

Just received this from the Daily Sip:

Couture for Cabernet and cocker spaniels.
You know that awkward, cringe-inducing feeling you get when you see someone's dressed his or her dog in a terrible outfit? We sometimes get the same feeling when we see the cozies people put on wine bottles. And the more we looked into it, the more we discovered that the outfits designed for dogs and the cozies for wine bottles are frighteningly similar.

I don't know exactly why, but I am incensed.  This is NOT ok.

Check out the rest of the horrifying looks here.

Five Fingered Running Shoes: Part Two

Seriously, these piss me off more than anything I've ever seen.

I was innocently standing in line at the Barnes and Noble, when I looked at the register in front of me to find the gentleman paying for his new James Patterson novel while wearing a sweater, khaki pants and some sort of futuristic reptile Mary Jane thing.  Imagine my surprise when, upon closer glance, I discovered that I could see each individual toe, outlined in this sorry excuse for a shoe.

I was stunned.  To think that someone would actually put these on outside of a Halloween party or some sort of performance art piece depicting the plight of the North American Tree Frog makes me visibly cringe.

Apparently these monstrosities are the fault of some company that wanted to replicate the "feeling" of being barefoot.  And then some douchebag runner started talking about how great it is to run barefoot.  They've even got Time Magazine fooled - they were named as one of the best inventions of 2007.  You know what?  Running sucks with shoes on.  Pretending to run barefoot is not going to make it better. 

You want to protect your feet?  Stay away from me while wearing these shoes. Because I will totally stomp on them.

Cuffed Thong Sandals

I just did a google search for "stupid sandals with cloth around the ankle."  For some reason, knowing that they are actually called "cuffed thong sandal" makes me hate them even more.

Really, why would you wear these?  The excuse I always get for sandals in general is "My feet need to breathe."  While I won't get into the fact that that's the dumbest excuse for poor fashion I've ever heard, I would assert to you that this sandal actually achieves the exact opposite.  Why don't you just surround your ankle with some nice heavy suede.

Sounds good to me.

Five Fingered Running Shoes

I don't even know what to say to this.  I need some time, otherwise I will throw my computer at someone.

Hipster Headband

I received not one, not two, but three separate messages today from alert readers who spotted this disaster on various forms of public transportation.  I will point out that one could achieve the same look by tying a shoelace or piece of clothesline around one's head.  I will further posit that these items are not meant for fashion, but rather should be used for functional purposes only. 

And if you disagree, then please stay off the bus.

Men's Polo Shirts: Tucked or Untucked?

Yesterday I posted a survey on my facebook, as a test to see if people would have opinions about, you know, fashion and stuff.  Apparently they do.

Figures.  My FB constituency can't seem to agree.  So we'll take it to the people.  Hit the poll on the right sidebar.

It's Time

You know, I've held my tongue for too long. But I have to say something:

Those pants look stupid.